MarySue Apocalypse
by Anamnesis Redivivus
Summary: PG for gory allusions. One-shot. Falling Mary-Sue bashing, don’t read if you don’t like it, I warned you. Harassed and non-harassed residents of Middle-earth form a league to take the fate of all falling MS into their own hands. See what disaster


Disclaimer: I don't own anything from J.R.R. Tolkien's works. I'd be happy to own them if they would be given to me for free...only possible in my dreams, but by Eru I have my right to dream whatever my subconscious would throw at me!

A/N: The last paragraph of this story is not meant to offend anyone. Don't read at all if you can't stand and level of Mary-Sue bashing! If you ignore my advice to read this fic and are offended, you need to realize that you only have yourself to blame. Anyways, the world we live in is a wonder of interwoven diversity, so...deal with it. Life isn't fair.

--Additional note: I know that the characters are saying modern phrases, I know...I am using it to create a humorous effect. You all know what that mean, I presume. Also, this is a one-shot. I just thought that the last paragraph was self-explanatory...you know, apocalypse, open-ended-so-you-can-imagine-on-your-own-about-what-happened?

*

As the number of "falling" Mary-Sues dramatically increased in Middle-earth after Sauron fell, the victims set up a council named Anti-Mary-Sue League. Obviously, it was led by the most victimized resident of Middle-earth---the blond Elvish Prince Legolas. It's members included the cuddly, fuzzy Hobbits; suave, charming Elves; rugged, oh-so-corruptible Men; and those who despised Mary-Sues because they weren't being chased by them. Need I say who they are? Oh, I think I do, yes! The old, smart-alecky Istari; dirty, over-fuzzy Dwarves; ugly, stinky Orcs; shapeless, invisible Wraiths; and the jewelry-obsessed, raw-fish-eating...Gollum.

After five Mary-Sues stumbled into Middle-earth at once and landed on poor Legolas, not to mention the grabbing and the touching and the shrieking and the I-love-you's, the Elvish Princeling called an emergency meeting after he escaped under pretense that he would bring his "twin brother" who obeyed all women. 

The grumbling members of the Anti-Mary-Sue League sat down in the parlor of King Thranduil's palace, talking to one another about their own encounters with the dreadful Mary-Sues, or lack thereof.

" Thank you all for coming. I'd just like to say that my Father doesn't know about this meeting, so don't make too much noise," commented the Prince. Gimli the Dwarf laughed.

" Can't find your own bachelor pad, is that it?" he snorted.

" Like you can't find one?"

That kept the dwarf quiet for the time being. Legolas continued.

" I believe that this pesky problem of falling Mary-Sues must be eliminated at once. They come falling out of the skies, land on people or valuable properties, torture whichever victims they can find, then leave when we are on the verge of insanity, robbing us of our right to escape the Mary-Sue madness through helpless insanity."

Frodo laughed hysterically and began to point at the blond Haldir. _Movie verse, so endure this for the time being..._

" You crazy girl! Stay away from me! I have powers! I see dead kings...all the time!"

" Resilient Hobbits my butt! He can handle the One Ring just fine, but can't handle a couple of teenage girls who just want to be romanced! You all remember how he romanced the One Ring, eh?" asked Haldir. Some nodded heads, especially Gollum. _Go along with me that he survived..._

" Yesss, my Preciousss! Massster don't like girlsss, but likesss jewelry...I sssay he'sss a..."

Sam intervened.

" Hey, you! I'll have you know that I still have that Elvish rope!"

Gollum cowered in fear.

" Eh hem! ANYHOW, does anyone have a plan to prevent this psychotic happenings?" said Legolas quite loudly. There were few scuffles of clothes and feet before someone spoke.

" I'd like to say that I showed my masculinity during all those battles, but still I haven't gotten a Mary-Sue stalker of my own! I say we kill them all!" screamed Gandalf. His eyes seemed to burn with flame.

" I represent the Nazgûl on their behalf when I say that it is unfair since we are shapeless and invisible. Mary-Sues cannot see us. I demand they all be given rings of power so they can see us," spoke Wraith #5. _Once again, be patient..._ Gandalf retorted, " and be scared away by your blindingly white skin? I don't think so! Even Mary-Sues don't deserve that kind of brutal treatment! You guys need to get a tan!"

Legolas jumped up and waved his arms around.

" People, please! Shut up! This is my meeting! I asked if anyone had a plan, not if anyone was suffering from lack of Mary-Sues! Any plans? Anything at all?"

Boromir rose. _Bear with me again..._

" I say we find where they're falling from and build a canopy underneath the hole, covered with metal spikes. As soon as they fall through the hole, they'll be kabobs!"

Aragorn reproached him, saying, " always the bloody way, isn't it with you? Blood and gore, but no intelligence! I say we find the hole and plug it."

" How? with a gigantic cork? Or your bloated self-righteousness? You ignored my advice to go to Minas Tirith, but you went there when you saw it fit. I hate you!"

Boromir huffed and puffed with anger. Frodo recognized that crazed look.

" Ah! It's that look again! Save me, save me, Strider!"

" Hey, none of my biz! It's between you and him, my furry little friend. Since I am a king now, I must stay away from making treaties that will endanger any other foreign relations."

" You coward! You've become a two-faced politician now! I knew you wouldn't last long with your idyllic policies! Don't call me furry anymore, traitor!" said Frodo in a shrill voice. Legolas stood between the three quarrelers.

" Break it up, you three, or you'll all be banned from this League! Then you'll all be alone to deal with Mary-Sues on your own. We've gotta stick together, dudes! Those Sues are slippery! Treacherous! They'll pretend to be one of your kind until you're about to jump into the sac! They stalk you, man! They pretend to know you and everything!"

" Alright," said the three in unison.

" Shake hands," declared Legolas. The two Men and the Hobbit reluctantly shook hands. They sat down in their chairs and brooded.

" Now, personally I think the two plans are pretty stupid, though I think Boromir's plan would be more effective. Then again, there would be heaps of rotting corpses over the sky. So that's no good. Anyone have a thought?"

An Uruk-hai rose with a scimitar in hand.

" I think we should eat them! Eat them slowly! We'll torture them! We'll take revenge."

Faramir cringed from the churning stomach. Éomer turned to his side and vomited, which happened to be Merry's lap.

" Yuck! I helped slay the Wraith to save your sister, and this is all I get? Some lamb chop, apples, crappy bread, and wine? Cheap one at that? What's the matter with you?"

Pippin looked over and laughed.

" Hey, look! A piece of Éowyn's stew! No wonder he threw up!"

A hood went flying back and the owner of the hooded cloak jumped up.

" I knew it! Nobody really likes my stew! I'd bet even Lord Aragorn didn't like it either! I hate you all! I'll kill you!" screamed Éowyn. The Orcs had to drag her out the door. Everyone cowered as they heard her scream, " I'll get my revenge! You all watch out when you eat stew! It may be your last!" Faramir laughed.

" Good thing she only knows how to cook stew, eh, Éomer? If you can call it cooking. "

The King of Rohan doubled over Merry's lap.

" Gah! I'm going next to Gollum! He eats raw fish, worms, and raw coneys, so he won't vomit from hearing about those!"

Éomer yet again doubled over. Pippin followed Merry.

" We're apparently going nowhere with this meeting. Before I give up any last shred of hope, does anyone have a plan? For our sanity's sake?"

" How about sending the trees of Fangorn forest beneath the hole to kill any trespassers?" spoke Treebeard. Everyone wondered why they hadn't thought of it first. Gimli shouted, "it worked at Helm's Deep, it'll work again!"

An Orc rose, scratching his head.

" Uh...we killed most of those in revenge after the flood in Isengard was over. We didn't know there would be an alliance."

Treebeard roared then cried, running out like a little girly Ent. Orcs shrugged their shoulders.

" I guess we're beyond help now. We're doomed," proclaimed Legolas. Gandalf suddenly spoke.

" Um, what about a Balrog? We could send one up and it'll be an apocalypse for their world. The Balrog could stay there if he wants. The Orcs can go there too and have their own world and leave this one to us."

Legolas clapped.

" Finally! You've been of true service to Middle-earth this moment. Forget your prancing around with the Balrog, fancy horse riding at Helm's Deep, and sword waving at the Black Gates! This is your moment of glory! You're worthy of your white robes now! It's decided! Make sure you tell him that he can be free of sharing a clean world with us, but have a dark and dirty one instead if he gets rid of them all! Yes! We're going to be free at last!"

Everyone got up and began to sing and dance, prancing around like a lot of drunken Hobbits. Soon Gandalf went with some Uruk-hais and Orcs to help convince the Balrog - who's been licking his wounds - that 6 billion humans and their nukes couldn't save them against him. Who knows? Maybe he'll whip all of them back to the launch sites...

_So...now you're probably wondering how the heck could this happen. Did it happen, then civilization started again in our world and annihilated the Balrog and the Orcs to reclaim our world? Or are you the successor of the surviving Men of Middle-earth? Well, you've got two steps to determine which it is... Step one, find a copy of The Lord of the Rings and see when it was written. Written in the 20th century, eh? So much for being descendants... Step two, look outside your window. Either there's fire and hell engulfing your little home, or it will be soon enough. Ah...perhaps the Balrog and Orcs will be roaming our streets one fine day, and wonder what the heck we were doing with the computers that brought about our own doom. No? Whatever tickles your fancy..._


End file.
